Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Five sheets to the wind in Copenhagen. Ok I’m lying, I’m in a cheap motel in Ohio.

Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot. That's so my new favorite expression.

So I'm in Ohio on business in early March, thinking,"Well, TECHNICALLY winter is over in like 2 weeks, right?" And it's 50 degrees when I leave the airport, so I figure I'm safe for the time being. I think I'll italicize what are THE OPERATIVE WORDS IN THAT SENTENCE.

[>>] Fast forward to Chapter 2.

Ok seriously, people live here. In Ohio. Like 365 days a year and every fourth year they get AN EXTRA DAY. To freeze their God-Fearing Asses off in February. Which has 2 r's for no reason that any living person can tell me.

Pause, focus. That actually wasn't Chapter 2 – that was more of the epilogue to Chapter 2. Chapter 2 starts with leaving the motel where I'm staying at 8-something in the morning and walking out into something like a cross between a sandstorm and a snow-cone factory. Not shave-ice. I'm talking snow-cones, like the kind made from little granules of ice that are whizzing thru the sub-zero air so fast it would peel the flesh from your bones if you were only thawed enough to be pliant. OMG my whingey little "I wanna be a proper SUV when I grow up" rental car... It looks like it was dipped in molten sugar syrup and is about to be sold in some giant's candystore as a frosty treat for their kids that has a squishy, wriggling center. FEE, FIE, FOE, FUM...

What?

Sorry I couldn't hear that over the sound of my frozen hands desperately scraping at the ice with $2.50 worth of leaded Chinese plastic like that girl you never saw in Silence of the Lambs. The Bahamas. Think about The Bahamas.
Please don't let my friends I grew up with in Chicago ever read this. I'll be disowned.
But that settles it. This place is not suitable for human life. I think maybe Midwesterners are distantly descended from Martians. It's witches' tits there too.

1 comment:

Ryan said...

I never...ever...want to hear you praising the virtues of 'weather' again...warm is good cold is bad. End of story...you can find your "culture" anywhere unless you happen to live in south orange county in which case you need to drive to find any resemblance of it but that being said...although theres not a single building older than 25 years within 60 miles of my house Id still rather be culturally devoid than fucking frozen....and a single visit to any given major city will fill my need for 'culture'for a good stretch...My question to you has got to be that when you consider that theres absolutely NO redeeming qualities to a place like ohio and add in the fact that it is that fucking cold....why would you get on the plane that had there listed as a final destination?....on the sheer outside chance that something happened that stranded me at my destination I try to keep them tolerable...ha ha ha ha...Ill end by saying better you than me and thanks for the rant